I've been (once again) thinking a lot about feminism lately, because I seem to hear "that's so sexist" a hundred times a day, and I don't even know what that means. So the first half of my problem with western feminism is, after taking a women's international rights class, realizing that most western feminists fail to address/to stand united with women in other countries who have yet to earn the same rights we have, and sometimes pushing these concerns off the international agenda in favor of ensuring equal opportunity in employment etc.
It's not that I am not in solidarity with my fellow women. I mean, who run the world? girls. But I think that many of the self-proclaimed feminists I know take too much personal offense to things that are not actually intended or necessarily "sexist". And also, most of these women seem to have particularly negative things to say about men and equally awful generalizations about them, which doesn't seem to be the right spirit. I don't think you can make a fuss over being judged unless you are willing to let go of all your own judgments. Like assuming someone who is homeless is "shady" and that certain places are "janky" because of who hangs out there. Or assuming that a girl who wears fake nails and lots of make-up is not worth their time. To pretend as though you deserve to be acknowledged equally as everyone else when you refuse to do the same just seems wrong. And it's exhausting. And I think the best way to move forward, is to not sit and analyze whether something is sexist or not or racist or not, but to do your own personal best to live outside those boundaries (as much as you can). I am not a feminist. I am a "humanist" or whatever you want to call it. I am for people. All people. Not just my fellow females, but everyone. I think that sometimes, feminism can be a divider, can continue to push the two genders against each other. I don't tell my friends they are being sexist when all they do is talk about how good the various boys at the bars asses look, and yet, I am nearly positive that if they heard of a group of boys doing the same to them they would be disgusted. And that bothers me, above anything. If you believe in something, you have to fully believe in it, you can't half-ass it (hahaha). I know I offend my friends when I say things about not being a feminist. But they equally offend me when they make generalizations or unfair assumptions about other groups of people. I said something to a friend yesterday about "not really liking feminist things". And I guess what I meant was not that I don't like them, but that I don't like them simply on the basis that they are feministic. I like Jane Austen because I like both her female and male characters. Not because someone told me she was a feminist. In the same way I don't love the Brontes, despite them being feminist. End 'o rant. Someday, when I have the time I'll turn it into a proper essay.

alright sweet life, let's begin

found my heart, thanks to a certain dearest darling while we drank tea and talked about how selfish we've been feeling. I feel a little worse and it feels so much better.

doing my best
not to count
backwards
and yet

i'm too sleepy to write properly, but as I was walking home all I could think was: it's a new year and my body/heart is being lurched through the change, the change that it has been trying to process process process all summer, but now that fall is settling in, and I can say again "a year ago around this time" etc etc, my body and heart are starting to grasp the reality.

it hurts, my darlings, but it will be O.K., I think. The older you get the more memories you have to haunt you. Sometimes this is good, sometimes it is not.

Sweet dreams, sweet days, good things.

last year lauren told me she thought it was my year.

as fall approaches, I am thinking about that.

I sat next to a woman on the bus praying, and could hear the call to prayer ringing in my ears. Cars decked out with huge speakers driving around Mombasa blaring prayers.

I have never been so happy to be sad. I have a lot of lovely people surrounding me. I love them, and it breaks my heart that a huge handful of them are leaving. But thanks for reminding me how much I love things. You guys are the best.