Why Heather is More Desirable Than Say, Me

(According to the General Population)
WHY HEATHER IS MORE DESIRABLE THAN SAY, ME (According to the General Population)

Heather has a bangin' body
but also
a bodacious bong,
that resembles
the most perfect pair
of breasts.

Heather's got thighs
the size of Texas
but they're not
quite as conservative
and knee-caps as smooth
as freshly churned butter.

I've got elbows
rough as a cats tongue
and breasts so small
even babies
turn their heads away.

Heather consoles me,
reminding me that I am blessed
with an awkward beauty
and because I lack her
valiant vertebrae
I pretend to believe
this is a compliment.

When push comes to shove
and lust comes to love
Heather is always
given priority.





OK, the edits are getting a little worse each time, and this doesn't say what I want it to say, which is that while I am jealous of Heather's hotness, I also don't really want to be desired and objectified the way she so often is. DON'T GOT TIME, 10 poems due in 3 hours, SHIT.