Phantasm

Today I stayed in bed
forever, trying to dream up
trying to dream, up
and woke up to my body
splayed against the carpet.

I dreamt I woke up
to the comforting contours
of your shoulder blades
but when I actually awoke
you were sleeping
in another city,
shoulder blades pressed against the wall.

I added this to my list of disappointments
written on my bed sheets
which I count every night
to help me fall asleep
or to help keep me
from falling asleep,
it's hard to say which.

Last night I dreamt
my brother had died
and I woke up,
my pillow wet
with self-pity.
I don't think
this is what they mean
when they say
"wet dreams"
but this
is what I know.

This all feels so beneath me
like my bed.
Always under my wiry frame
and no matter
how many times I try
kicking off the blankets
and skulking towards the door
I always find myself here
trying to dream myself
out of bed.