Welch Preservation

Sarah and I spend an hour commiserating over our Welch-dom. We coin a new term: Welch Preservation vs Self Preservation, Welch Preservation meaning sacrificing your own emotional well being under the false assumption that we aim to please, and that our pleasing other people will result in us pleasing ourselves. Somedays I just want to be home, el cafe where my village of parents resides, the comfort of people who know me at a close distance, who will feed me if I talk sweetly, will tease me, a place where I can feel young forever. It's just some days when I can't quite find the hilarity, can we blame it again on my sleepy disposition? I always think I have my ducks lined up, always think I've got it figured out, but we know i don't really believe in that. My grandma and I talk about friends and I feel better. Artie and Pam and go for a joy-ride in Pam's new car, we drink a little beer, Pam gets loud, I get chatty, Artie bullshits, we go home and cook dinner. These are things. Are these the things?

I am looking for a Welch retreat, a few days with my kin, a few days to get my head an heart in sync, a few days to cry and then laugh at our fake misery. That is all I want today, tomorrow, maybe forever. I had lots of 10 minute nightmares, I woke up and stared at the ceiling, full of maps, Australia right in front and thought of Sage, winking at her before falling back asleep. My stomach was squealing and I stared at the ceiling writing lines of poetry in my head about those strange sounds, the best one (though I can't be sure it is good) was "The sound of fallen soldiers, comes muffled, from my stomach." Mom hasn't called me back, and I want to go to bed, but I am not sure how.

"THIS IS NO ROOM AT ALL WHY DON'T YOU POUR ME A FUCKING DRINK"




"FUCK WELCH PRESERVATION" she says. I tell her: we swallow things too often, and it makes us so full of things that are not ours that we lose touch with ourselves. When push comes to shove we need ourselves more than we need them.
It is not in our nature to hang loosely onto people, we claw and clasp, it really musses things up. Oh god, am I this lonely? I didn't even know. Welch-dom, Welchdoom, we like to take it straight to the bloodline, not just for blame but for self-praise too. We are this way because we were born Welches we say. As though that means anything to anyone who isn't us. It is only like this when we are feeling like the loneliest or happiest people in the world. We wonder if this is normal. Is this normal?



"THE WAY YOU TREAT ME LIKELY ONLY SLIGHTLY BRINGS ME DOWN A LOT"

THE LANGUAGE

"Be for me, like rain,
the getting out

of the tiredness, the fatuousness, the semi-
lust of intentional indifference.
Be wet
with a decent happiness."
(from The Rain)

THE LANGUAGE
(Robert Creeley)

Locate I
love yousome-
where in

teeth and
eyes, bite
it but

take care not
to hurt, you
want so

much so
little. Words
say everything.

I
love you
again,

then what
is emptiness
for. To

fill, fill.
I heard words
and words full

of holes
aching. Speech
is a mouth.


I am sitting in my closet reading Robert Creeley poems aloud. I am not sure why I am in here, but it feels right. Perhaps it is something I do because it feels iconic. (Though now the idea of that whole big room frightens me, I am comfortable here, my bed is too big, too strange, but sitting on top of this pile of shoes with clothes dangling in front of my eyes, my elbows and wrists bent in ways that make them look alien to me, it is comfortable, it is allowing me to think, to concentrate.) So maybe it is an iconic sort of thing, but I am not convinced that that is a problem if it gives you what you need.

Today was strange, I spent the first half of the day feeling nothing, nothing, nothing and then some anger, and when I can not harness these emotions or more these lack of emotions I just feel sleepy, and my mind worries, but the rest of me doesn't. I am not really clever or concise enough to be a poet just yet, and I lack the proper forethought to write short stories, so I am swimming somewhere in the middle, but I am learning, and I think that if I push myself a little more, I will make some progress. Back to work now.