Saturday, October 20, 2012

I lose too many days. Maybe we all do. I have never known what to do with my time, there are so many things I could do that I just end up doing nothing instead. I can't commit to one thing, and never could. I'm notorious for multi-tasking. I can't just sit and watch a movie, I have to be watching a movie and doing a crossword. I can't just walk, I have to read at the same time. I'm sure there is some psycho analysis that could be done to explain this tendency, but I've been this way for forever, so it is more a matter of learning how to use it to my advantage than get rid of it altogether. I've been in a post graduation rut. Emotional rut. Physical rut (do I ever move?). Job rut. I can't say that I am sure what I would rather be doing, which is why I spend so much time sitting around. Being home has been good, my mother is always working which makes me feel like working too. But today, for example, I am house sitting and I feel glued to this chair. Because I am not sure what else there is to do besides sit in this chair. I am full of excuses to not do things, I always have been. But usually social engagements convince me to get up, if not jump up. I like people. Or I used to. Or I do, but I am struggling to remember I do. Or something. But today, I am sitting here and I feel like a real piece of shit, but everyone I now is busy or was busy and now I have to work in three hours so I don't have time to bike to see them and bike back and gather and iron my work clothes. But I have too much time to sit here. God, I am boring myself writing this more than I was when I was sitting here. But I've been trying to make myself write more often, trying to dig bits of humanity out of me, trying to dig stories out of myself because it seems like something worthwhile.