Monday, August 29, 2011

i'm too sleepy to write properly, but as I was walking home all I could think was: it's a new year and my body/heart is being lurched through the change, the change that it has been trying to process process process all summer, but now that fall is settling in, and I can say again "a year ago around this time" etc etc, my body and heart are starting to grasp the reality.

it hurts, my darlings, but it will be O.K., I think. The older you get the more memories you have to haunt you. Sometimes this is good, sometimes it is not.

Sweet dreams, sweet days, good things.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

last year lauren told me she thought it was my year.

as fall approaches, I am thinking about that.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

I sat next to a woman on the bus praying, and could hear the call to prayer ringing in my ears. Cars decked out with huge speakers driving around Mombasa blaring prayers.

I have never been so happy to be sad. I have a lot of lovely people surrounding me. I love them, and it breaks my heart that a huge handful of them are leaving. But thanks for reminding me how much I love things. You guys are the best.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011


They keep coming to me today, though perhaps they are not all dreams I had last night.

#1 Harry Potter, but terrifying. I don't remember the details.

#2 At our office job Lyndsay and I are responsible for finding the office mouse a new home. The mouse is the size of a piece of bubble yum. It inflates when it is scared. Whenever I hold it, I have to squeeze it so it can't escape. I feel like I'm killing it. Somehow, it gets lost in the shuffle after all and no one is upset, but I can't shake my guilt.

#3 Boys. I don't know who they are, but there are three of them and I am leading all of them on, though I like one of them more than the others. I know it is wrong, and yet I do it anyways.

#4 Dream where I forget to order two different flavors of chocolate shoppe so they give me a pre-packaged pint, which is just no where near as good as freshly scooped.

#5 Vaguely remember a dream where I speak Swahili. It is boring, but I suppose it is nice that I have been finding little bits of swahili in dream world.

Things are so strange. the strangest they have ever been. I am having a hard time. I know it will pass.

Monday, August 1, 2011

I take a long time to heal from things and I should know that and embrace it. I have been trying to change things, because I've been told I make things too hard for myself. In the last 6 months my self-importance has been shattered. It is humbling, which was shocking because I assumed I was already too humble to begin with. I am not.

Everyone wants to hear they are the exception. It was a blow to my self-worth to realize, for at least this once, I was the rule. That it doesn't matter how much heart you have, it may not always be enough. I would hope my reaction to this would be to continue to try to make everyone as important as I can. I don't want anyone in my life to ever feel as though they are just one of many. Logically, my reaction is that. I write everyone letters. I tell them my secrets. Emotionally, I feel closed off. I've lost my desire to hold on to things, because people are always telling you to let go let go let go and I did, but it's not my way. I hold on to things, even if it kills me. But I miss wanting to stuff everyone in my pockets. I miss my desperation, as sickening as everyone else found it. I did the things everyone always tells me I should, the things they think will make me better, stronger, happier. I just feel emptier. I'm letting the sadness back in, so I can let the happiness back in too.