I take a long time to heal from things and I should know that and embrace it. I have been trying to change things, because I've been told I make things too hard for myself. In the last 6 months my self-importance has been shattered. It is humbling, which was shocking because I assumed I was already too humble to begin with. I am not.
Everyone wants to hear they are the exception. It was a blow to my self-worth to realize, for at least this once, I was the rule. That it doesn't matter how much heart you have, it may not always be enough. I would hope my reaction to this would be to continue to try to make everyone as important as I can. I don't want anyone in my life to ever feel as though they are just one of many. Logically, my reaction is that. I write everyone letters. I tell them my secrets. Emotionally, I feel closed off. I've lost my desire to hold on to things, because people are always telling you to let go let go let go and I did, but it's not my way. I hold on to things, even if it kills me. But I miss wanting to stuff everyone in my pockets. I miss my desperation, as sickening as everyone else found it. I did the things everyone always tells me I should, the things they think will make me better, stronger, happier. I just feel emptier. I'm letting the sadness back in, so I can let the happiness back in too.