Friday, May 28, 2010

i've been home, i've been feeling dead, dead like I feel nothing, like I indifference is the only thing that I have, and maybe some shallow sense of hilarity and I love the stars and the moon but they weren't giving me anything, they weren't feeling like the ocean but now, with the help of thine blood relation my heart has opened again, and it is such a relief. I am on my roof I am on the roof and oh my god you guys have you ever seen the moon? I bet you have, but oh my god you guys how come it never gets old? I know that someday love can last forever because HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOON? my love for it will last forever, and I bet I could love a person forever too. But ya know ya know, the question is always, does the moon love me forever back? well, I don't really trust anything, not even myself, but I trust that things work out, they just do, no matter the sort of messes you make, and have you seen the moon? It is golden and round and I hope I never make it up there.

Today we made crepes, Lauren, Anna, and I and we said "next year, next year, next year" and we made plans, and the point of making plans is not that they will work out, but really just to show "hey I love you, I love this, lets do this again, and again, and again". Making plans is a way to show that you love someone. I think sometimes I get confused though, because not making plans does not mean that you don't love someone. Though me, I am a planner. My heart is hungry even though I just ate some ribs. My heart is hungry and have you seen the moon? I am not really fond of romance, but I would like to sit with you, here, and look at the moon. We don't even have to hold hands. We could sit on opposite sides. Just something, someone to make me feel al little less like I am in some strange bubble. Though, you know, sometimes I feel like I want to crawl inside people when I love them too much. Swimming is all I can think about to calm me when I get like this. Crawling inside the water, letting it embrace me, back to the womb, back to the womb, the darkness, the only darkness that doesn't scare me. This is the only thing that will make me feel OK during my first few weeks in Africa. The idea that the people you love can be far away but see the same thing you are seeing, that is more than comfort. I am sentimental (sentimental queens) but don't mistake me for no fun. I am always clarifying and reclarifying and yet, I am never clear. You are killing me and I think it is funny and a little cute. My dad says "life is pointless Savannah, once you figure that out it's so much easier" and I tell him he is pessimistic and he says "no, no" with a smile, he says "my two thoughts are conflicting because I belive in love and other things, but life is pointless" and I think that it must be rough to be in conflict with yourself all your life, and then I think "life is pointless" because what is the point in loving things, and why does everything have to have a point and shouldn't the point be doing your best to be happy? And to be American, to be a person in the modern world, we are practically a different species. Other people live to survive, and I think Is that any sort of way to live? and then I realize that maybe living just makes us happy, because otherwise those poor suckers wouldn't have worked so hard to stay alive. Life is pointless, everything is pointless, and yet and yet things keep going and going, and who needs a purpose? That is something us humans made up to make ourselves miserable. I serve no purpose, and it is strange, but I am ok with it.

I am hungry and I just want to add as many lovely people to my pointless life as I can.

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