Last night Lauren came to visit, and of course the usual lovely friends were hanging around Beyonce, and today Mr. Mulvey picked me up and we went on a bike ride, and I feel at home now. I call mom, in a panic, a few times a day 'mom, you've made me scared to leave the house.' 'mom, i'm being so awkward' 'mom, i can't stop falling asleep' and she is the only one that has ever been able to calm my nerves. It is days like this, when I sort of love everything that I most wish my cousins were with me, because I know they know this lovely sort of over-whelmed or perhaps just-the-right-amount-whelmedness that we sometimes get on the most ordinary of days. A few months ago my aunt calls my mom, but I answer and she says "Sorry I missed your Birthday... I mean, I didn't really miss it, I just didn't call you." and I said "It's ok, I think at this point we are old enough to know that we know" and she says "That's the great thing about this family, we just know, we don't really have to say it." and perhaps not saying things sometimes makes our feelings about each other unclear, but there is some undeniable love spread out among all of us.
What if everywhere felt like home? I think it could. I guess the real question is: what if everyONE felt like home? Somedays I am not good at making friends, somedays I feel unimpressive, and it makes me scared, so I fold myself up neatly, and don't talk or make eye contact, I do my best to be invisible. How can you ever trust that what you have to say is important? I like getting to know people, I just never know how. Usually people unfold themselves in good time. I want to always feel like home, for other people.