it's just one of those days where the weather coordinates with your hangover and then you sort of feel the world closing in on you. i didn't have these days in kenya, and I recall missing them, but now i'm not so sure.
Under dream song #1 I wrote "betrayal sans malicious intention", which somehow feels significant, though i'm not sure how.
I spent Kenya being honest in letters, but now I'm home and I don't remember how to be honest in person. I don't even think I know what honesty is. I feel strangely terrified of falling apart, but also fairly certain I won't. Fairly certain I don't have a reason to. Trying to teach myself that affairs of the heart can not be my main drive, my main problem, my main concern. And knowing this has nothing to do with anyone but myself, which is sort of scary. Which is completely scary. Quit trying to dissect your sadness, just take it for what it is, let it go, trust people until you can't anymore, then don't trust them. But none of that in between, where you want to trust them, but tiptoe around them because you aren't quite sure you do. Trust yourself to be good enough. Not just trust this, but know this. I have this unfair need to know what I am to people, to know where I fit in, instantly. But mostly people don't know where they are going or how they are getting there or where they fit in and definitely don't know where you fit in. I need to be more like them and less like me, sometimes I think. In Kenya, I didn't have to think about these things.
I have so many things to work on. Days like these tear me down. I need to stop letting myself have days like these. But the idleness of time scares me, terrifies me, and sometimes it feels like simply by letting time pass the way it sometimes does is losing. I feel like things are being lost, like I should be rushing to save them for myself. But sometimes dear, you just have to let things happen the way they will happen and be patient and not anxious and love the things for the way they are, not the way they might be. People too. The terror of summer is creeping up on me, I have never known what to do with my free time. Or known what to do, but now how to enjoy it, knowing I could be doing so many other things.
I just want to be full of love, and not have this coordinate with being full of sadness, and I don't know why sometimes this is hard and sometimes this is easy, but am convinced that it is all up to me, and that I will learn happiness a new way this summer, and learn how to love myself, and learn how to keep myself together.