Friday, February 19, 2010


loose women
like me
say things like
"love you


i could love you
for a little while

like maybe
a night?"

tight women
like me
say things like
"love you


but not

today i talked to my grandmother on the phone and she said "Eddie and I stayed up until midnight watching figure skating. I fell asleep skating, and I skated in my sleep. I didn't wake up until noon, I was so exhausted. I woke up wondering what score they would have given me." Now maybe this is something I love only because she is my grandma and I know her, or maybe this is just something that is to be loved by anyone and everyone. We are all sitting around talking, thinking, trying to decide how much of ourselves we are willing to give up for her, which is a lot, but also not enough. I want to bring the house and lake with me, wherever I go, I want to be able to be selfish in ways that I can not be, that none of us can be.

As much as I have been trying to escape the remnants of some other version of me, it is still around, around, around, it is still there, making me nauseous when i lack the proper energy to fight it off. it is not that i am at war with myself, it is so much the opposite, but sometimes she just sneaks in, mostly like a delusion. I am doing everything I promised myself I would not do, but I only promised because I could not do. It is still scaring me, though I mostly break all the promises i make to myself. I am forgetting. It feels like it is just happening, but I know that it is not. I know that it is a semi-conscious effort, to forget, and forgetting is making it feel like I am maybe losing years, and that makes me think that this is why no one can remember anything properly and I feel so much happier, but also like i am doing something wrong. I am keeping things to myself, even though I don't want to, but because I think it is in our best interest.

I am still planning in my head, but it is only half plans, I only allow flickers, not full movies, because the thing with planning is that things either go just that way, but you forget to plan the ending and end up stuck or things don't go that way and you are too busy thinking about how they are not going the right way to realize that they are going their own way, and that whatever way this is is good. Lately, I've been having confidence about everything until the time comes, and then my face gets lobster red, as though maybe I am actually physically choking, and then i choke, i craw back inside my awkward body.

I really don't make sense most of the time. I have been trying to be concise, like my friends, like Robert Creeley, but I am not that way. I mean, I can be, but i can also be this way. We are all so malleable really.

It is time for bed.

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