I have taken to staying out of the past, that dark sad thing. I've been dipping my toes in the past lately, playing on its' beaches, seeing if it will have me, and if I will be able to survive it. I am not sure when exactly the change occurred, but it did. I am not that person, that sad, desperate, in love with everything person. I think that I miss her a little bit sometimes. I call her back from time to time, (but that isn't the right way to say it, it implies that I have some sort of control, and I do not).
Joanna Newsom is my favorite, because she is saying it, she is saying what I am always trying to say, but can never say. I wrestle and gnaw on my words, but we never find the proper way to explain each other.
"I don't belong to anyone
my hearts as heavy as an oil drum.
I don't want to be alone,
my hearts as yellow as an ear of corn,
and I have torn my soul apart, from
pulling artlessly with fool commands."
I am sick as a dawg, and I want to know I mean something to someone somewhere (and I do know this, but am not satisfied), and I am tired, but not sleeping, and I am a little sad for no reason. There are days like this. Most days are not like this. Most days I don't even put much thought into how I am feeling at all, which I think just means that I am happy.
I collect things, feelings, and I can store them here and there, I can forget about them for a while, but I can not seem to ever get rid of them altogether. I find them accidentally, when thinking about something, when hearing a song, when talking about something I had forgotten about. I suppose that these are my secrets, even though they aren't really secrets, rather things I can not explain. These are the things that I keep, and keep to myself. I have confidence, that it will all work out, all the glitches and the deep, hollow, sadness that sometimes overwhelms me, there is some point to it. I feel disposable, most of the time, and maybe that is where the sadness comes from. I don't trust to be held on to.
So yes, I am sad, some days, some daze. But mostly I am happy, not elated (that is too overwhelming), but true blue sort of happiness that goes along with living, if you find yourself a good pace. I am waiting for things to get shaken, though I feel like I can handle it. I feel like I have finally managed to establish myself, even if only for myself and for no one else. I've been hating my selfishness a little less, some selfishness is appropriate, seeing as you have to live your whole life with yourself, you mine as well try to make sure you are enjoying it.
Ok, I have to go try to figure out I have to relieve the pressure building in my head, so that I can actually sleep.