There are things that are undeniably Welch, things that we talk about without talking about, things that make my mother cry, and me cry by association. After Daddy died: lately I've been feeling this out, thinking about what it meant for all my Aunts and Uncles, my mother, Grandma. I can see just how they became who they are, and I want to tell them this, but I can't (though maybe I just did). And this is something that you can really only understand by growing up Welch, and it is something that brings them all together, but also keeps them all apart. Some things are too sad to understand, but I try to understand it the best I can. And I know it is sad, but it also helps me see that this family was built on love from the beginning, has always been about love, and this is what has built me, strong and flimsy as I may be. Our love is big and awkward, and we don't quite no how to wield it properly. It frustrates us, but also makes us the happiest, most loving sort of people you will ever find. I know that this will keep us all together, and I carry the Welch name with a heavy, gentle pride.
"we're all so many people," which is just the problem, or just the solution, the fact that I can reorganize my heart, brain, words so many times is confusing, the way different versions of me have been broken beyond recognition. I do not want to remember her, I want him to forget her altogether, she was sad and weak. I want to be able to trust that I am charming enough to keep someone in my pocket. I do not trust this. I do trust that being in love will make me flimsy. And yet, it is what I want right now, I am as ready as I will ever be, right now is the best time for me to break, I have years to recover, and so many things to help pick me up.
I could not handle your sadness then, and I can not handle it now. I wish I could give you some sort of pure joy, something that has no cynicism attached to it, nothing but love. You are so sad, and I can not fix that, and I just have to trust that you will figure it out. I can not waste my time on sadness anymore, it makes me crazy, it makes me skinny, it makes me habitually tired. I am full of life now, I am full of possibilities.
This is all a part of the learning, the unlearning, the relearning, and it is not just because I am young and lost, but because I am this and I will be doing this forever, or at least for a very long time. It excites me, as most things do, and being sad does not put a damper on this, it is all just a part of the process, a part of living, though not THE LIVING itself. Things are much simpler and complex than you think they are. And today, I love everyone with my sadness, and I mean JUST THAT, I am taking my sadness, my tiny aches and pains to try my best to understand everyone's sadness, both collectively and separately.