I am filing this under my list of tragedies, which is a list I wasn't even conscious of keeping until today, and a list that is not limited to strictly my tragedies. I keep being told this is hard but not feeling it, but today I am feeling it, and they are right, it is hard. and yet still, it is not sitting heavy in my heart, but airily floating around me. I am learning to function even when I am sad and I don't know what this means.
I keep doing this. Saying things in my head like "I am going away for a long time, and I don't know what this means." There are lots of new things, and I don't know what they mean. I do not someone to tell me that they know what these things mean, because they don't, not for me, and they shouldn't. I don't want someone to tell me that they were just like this in their early twenties because I feel like my experiences are constantly being undercut by me telling myself that my older cousins have already done this, that it is nothing new. It is new to me and I want to figure it out myself, with help sure, but not with "answers". I am tired of feeling unsure about whether or not my thoughts and feeling are valid. I am tired of keeping track of everyone and them not keeping track of me, so I am taking a hiatus, not just while in Kenya, but before that (I accidentally started this year, when my life started to slip a little more out of my grasp and it took all of my energy just to keep track of my own life).
I feel big changes and they have already happened, and they feel consequential and permanent and I don't know how I feel about them, but am not going to waste too much time thinking about it, since they feel un-reversible. Last night I had the strangest string of dreams, which I didn't think too much of until I told Lauren and then realized that my dream was laying out the situation for me, in a single scene. The details were strange. This is another new thing, me believing in dreams.
I am tired. I am already coming up with justifications for not going to work or school tomorrow and I know they are valid, and yet, I am pre-emptively feeling guilty for the decision to not go, which a decision I haven't actually made yet. I am going to bed and hoping for no dreams and hoping the wind blows my love/concern in the right direction.