Thursday, December 23, 2010

"the horror of unlove"

I have taken to writing a lot in my journal and then putting the sentences in which I felt like I finally nailed down what I was trying to say on here. Maybe I shouldn't. I am feeling so overwhelmed with the way that everyone else thinks and expects the world to work and the way I expect it to. I am tired of being expected to handle these situations in the same way everyone else does. I don't want to, I don't even like how other people handle things. Or don't handle things. I don't want to feel like I am missing something, ever, because when things are gone, they are gone and baby, you can't get them back (especially if you don't notice they are missing). I don't just "move on" the same way other people do, closing one door and opening another. It is all so fluid that it is just not that simple and I don't WANT it to be that simple, I don't want to segment my life in that way. This is not assuming that everyone should be this way, but it is how I want to be, and I just want everyone to understand this, rather than tell me I should be doing things differently.

I see the big picture and note that it is too big to look at it all, but also I will try. How it all fits together. I strongly believe that our various relationships with people are what shape us, are the only things that shape us, and that letting these people slip through the cracks is dangerous. I am a memory box. I am something that is always changing but always the same. I can't think of the proper way to explain it but it is so obvious to me that this is true of all of us, whether or not we choose to be aware of it. I want to KNOW people. It is the easiest way to love them. and when it comes down to it, that is all I want to do really, is love people. Everyone is assuming that I am resisting the change, that I am trying to keep it from happening. I am just trying to make sure that I am aware that it is happening, and that it means something. I want to make sure I understand this so that I do not wake up one day and realize that a million changes have happened and that I can't remember them all and to make sure that I am never to distant from myself, all of myselves.

Everything is important, and nothing matters.

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