Sarah and I talked for an hour on the computer, me in the library, panicking, wiping snot on my sweatshirt, she in a coffee shop in Seattle trying to make me feel a little better. I have never been more terrified of what is coming next, but at the same time, I have never had so many wonderful people to talk to about it. Today my friends and I talked about how it seems like everyone is in crisis. But we are old enough to talk about it without it being strange and I think that there is something incredibly hopeful and beautiful about that.
Sarah tells me my heart is different and when we say this we don't mean better or worst, we just mean different. I think she is right. I am trying so hard to root myself before I leave, so hard to root myself all the time. Most everyone else is ready to get out of here, and afraid of being tied down and getting stuck, but I am afraid that if I'm not I might just float away altogether. Everyone keeps talking about leaving. I am scared that I will come back and no one will be here and I will feel like a ghost. Sarah says to look at everything as different eras. I place too much importance on everything, it is exhausting. I always expect people to love the same way I love, and they don't and they shouldn't and I am learning that they don't'/won't and that it's O.K. I keep having the most honest conversations with everyone and it keeps surprising me.
I am a follower. What is most important to me is to be around people I love and in my head following them is equivalent to following my happiness. And I know that is not the same for other people. And I don't think it should be. I know that I could be happy anywhere, and have been happy everywhere I've been so far (which is not so many places). I know the more places I go the worst the nostalgia will get but I will learn to reconcile or at least learn to reconcile with the fact that I can't reconcile. I trust that it will all work out and I trust that there are a million ways to be happy and that I will be, always.
There are too many great people in the world. I want to fit all of them in my pocket. And I want to fit in all of their pockets.