Wednesday, January 27, 2010


"I hear the midnight birds
The message in their words
The dawn will touch me in a way a boy could never touch
Their promise never meant so much to me

You have been warned, I'm born to be contrary
Backward at school, I wrote from right to left
Teacher never cared for me
Preacher said a prayer for me
God help the girl, she needs all the help she can get"

I don't know why, but I love this whole idea but particularly this specific song (God Help the Girl).
I've been less and less concerned about what people are thinking about me, and more concerned about what I am thinking about myself, though I hope I am going about this non-chalance the right way, I don't want to lose myself in myself completely.
"you're self awareness is both a blessing and a curse my love"

i've been losing myself into the technological world, which i am starting to think is ok, because i have always done my best to shy away from the culture i am stuck in, making me always uncomfortable, making me always feel like i am doing something wrong, and i think that as long as i don't become a slave to it, it will be ok. i still want to go somewhere else, africa most prominently, a place that is a little less dependent on technology, or at least, easier to escape it, but i don't feel like i am being crushed by it anymore. i am immersing myself into school, not in a forceful, dangerous way, but just because most all my classes are really things that i want to do, and want to learn, they are just giving me a little more incentive. and because i have friends here, but we aren't on quite the same level as my friends and i who live further away, and sometimes it seems strange, and i just want to be by myself, not because i don't love them, but because i am not quite sure we are positive how to act around each other yet. i am looking forward to next year, and to tomorrow, really, i am just looking forward, and i feel like i should be scared that all of this forward thinking will make me lose a large part of myself, but i am not worried, i never seem to be too worried these days, even when i probably should be. i am sure that my neurosis will return to me sooner or later, and i will probably welcome them, because without them it is calm, nice, but a little bit empty, and if i were feeling like myself i would probably miss them, long for them, but this me is happy they are taking a vacation. i feel so unlike myself, and by that i mean, i feel so like myself, so comfortable with myself, in a way that i have never really been, but i feel like there is maybe a noticeable change in my aura, and i don't think that anyone minds, but i wonder if anyone has given it any sort of thought. i feel better this way though, more prone to talk to someone i don't know as comfortably as i talk to someone i do, sort of like being drunk even when i'm sober.

it's a relief, a real calm, i don't feel like the ocean, which is a little disappointing, i feel more boring to myself, but more interesting to everyone else, and mostly i just feel good, and i am not quite sure what i am supposed to do with that, but i am sure that i will either figure it out, or make myself some waves.

i am not the same as a was four years ago, or two years ago, or two weeks ago. people are always talking about young people finding themselves, but i don't really buy that because i think we are always changing, and our whole lives are just a series of finding ourselves, sometimes just inwardly and sometimes finding ourselves in other people, but we never just settle on oneself, but maybe just collect them, they are piling up in my notebook, all over the inter-web, and filling up different parts of my brain. there is some essence of ourselves that is always the same, a large portion of us that has not changed since we were born, but as for the rest, we are fluid, if we let ourselves be, and maybe that is why i've always related to water, spent ours staring at it, feeling as though i AM the water, in a weird way.

i am tired, i should have been to bed an hour ago, but it is important to write about things even when you don't think you want to.

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