My last night at home, and my mom and I just chatted about not much of anything, but it was nice. Lately I have been having surprisingly honest conversations with everyone I know, and it makes me feel so much more comfortable in my own skin, and so close to everyone I know. This is not to say that our old conversations used to be superficial, but simply that they weren't quite as revealing as they are now. I feel as though maybe this is a part of growing up. I feel like I have been waiting to have conversations like this with people for years. I love talking. Perhaps a little too much.
I have been listening to lots of my 90's favorites (i.e. nirvana and the offspring [mostly just smash]) and also lots of folk music. They are lyrically satisfying right now. The 90's grunge simple, but perfect (and witty) and the folk music is so slow but spot on, and the lyrics are simple but pretty and carefully planned and placed. Then, on the other end of the spectrum lots of WHY? which is so full of lyrics, all different, but all perfect too.
This poor blog is spiraling into Savannah talks about nothing. I haven't been feeling particularly inspired in the last week, hopefully I will get back into the WRITING writing, as opposed to the babbling sort of writing. But for now I just feel like being human, rather than trying to turn my thoughts into something calculated, because I am realizing that everyone is more human than I thought, and that they will (if they happen to read this, or run into me) not like me any less because I failed to pull out the perfect witticism or the proper spin on my words. Or maybe they will temporarily, but they'll get over it.
I am feeling so socialable, for the last week all i have wanted is to be friends with everyone, because, suddenly, being strangers or mere acquaintances just seems silly when i could be their friend. i feel like my cuz-a-muffins and i are being stretched thin, we are making our own niches, and kind of losing track, and I am worried, but not worried because we are connected by blood and then some. I just want to go and visit everyone in THEIR places, because maybe THEIR places should be my places too. And I want them to come see me, because I want my place to be THEIRS. I just want to share everything with everyone really.
I am scared, because i always am, but the only way I can think of is to distract myself from the fear, by making new friends, and doing my best to stretch myself around the world so stay in touch with old ones, I am so full of love, but it isn't stuck inside of me, and it isn't making me want to explode, and it isn't making me cry, it isn't really making me feel much of anything but the desire to stop worrying about my social skills and stop worrying about whether or not people like me and just assume that they do, in fact, like me alright and just talk to them like they are people, and stop trying to say the right things, therefore saying nothing at all. I am so tired of missing things and missing feelings, that I am just going to create them for myself, or seek them out. Maybe I will found new ones.
Chrismix is finally completed, and this year it is more about telling my cousins something about myself than trying to create a sense of cool.