Sunday, January 24, 2010


If I shook my fists enough times I'd probably get some arm muscles. Somedays i just feel so thoroughly unimpressive. Feeling unimpressive is unimpressive for sure. Maybe I'm just faking it. Somedays, most days, i feel like i'm slipping through the cracks, but it's only because I am an awfully jealous sort of person. Part me almost likes it, a sort of "look at me all on my own" sort of thing, but most of me does not like it, because it reminds me of middle school slumber parties when I used to hide and see if anyone noticed I was missing because I am passive-aggressive. They didn't, or at least it took forever, and I would cry and cry and then be mad at them for the rest of the night, which is probably the only reason I hid in the first place. Somedays I just wish I didn't love things because mostly it just hurts and other days i just wish that everyone would love me and tell me so and most days i want things that i shouldn't and don't deserve and that don't even make sense. Somedays i ask myself "why are you crying" and tell myself i'm being silly but I am never convinced, even though I should be because myself is making a very convincing argument. Someday is feeling farther and farther away, and my regrets/thoughts/feelings/everything is piling up around my room, and I can feel it slowly creeping up to the height of my bed and i want it to leave me alone. and I want to stop wearing make up, but i've gotten so used to it that i can't and i want to stop always trying to impress people, because it never quite works, and I want to stop depending on anyone but myself, and I want to stop telling everyone what i think and feel and hide, deep inside myself, just to surprise people. And how annoying is this that I haven't found a proper way to round up these feeling and tame them into something that actually sounds pretty. I just want to be right for everyone, all of the time, but mostly i am not, but mostly that is not even true and i am just saying that because i have spent 19 years practicing self-pity and i am a pro. Just when i thought i was getting past my waiting, always waiting, i found myself laying on the ground staring up at the ceiling expectantly. it has nothing to offer me, whatever it is i want, i really ought to be going out to find it. Sometimes i just kinda want a reach inside of people and take what i want from them. Not in an intrusive, rude way, sometimes I just hate having to tip-toe around everything, and I hate that people always try to sneak around what they are feeling, which is just stupid to me. Sometimes I don't even know what i'm feeling, but I still ride it out, it seems important to stick with it right? Some people don't even have feelings. That's weird, right? And what about people that are able to talk themselves out of their own feelings? and what does that say about your character if they are able to talk themselves out of liking you? SIMPLY RESISTIBLE. (I wrote a song called that once.) (simply resistible, but i'm doing the best that i can, simply resistible, that's just who i'll be, simply resistible little old me!)

People are exhausting, but spending time with myself is just as tiring really. I am so bad at not caring, which is an important skill to have. How come our strengths are our weaknesses? If they were separate things then it would be easier to get rid of them.

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