Monday, October 25, 2010

I dreamt that all my teeth fell out again. No, not fell out, but once again, my jaw got stuck, locked, and the only way for me to open it was to pry my teeth out. Like my teeth were too big for my mouth. I have these dreams too often for comfort and one day I will wake up toothless. Today, I talked about my Grandma for forever and remembered that I have rooted myself in Madison, but it is not where I come from. Today I remembered that people can not make up their minds and that everything is intertwined and that everything everyone does effects me, even when I ask it not to. Today I felt sad, not just nervous or excited or unsure, but sad for the first time in a long time, and it made me sleepy, which I think is what sadness does. I don't have time to be sleepy or sad, but I am falling apart, just for a second, silently, and inwardly, because I am in the library, and because you don't fall apart in the library. I am not surprised, but surprisingly disappointed that the mystery of people that I love so much has come again to bite me in the ass and I want to be a person who disappears but I don't know how, even though I am trying and I am running off to Kenya and no one has time for all of my bullshit, not even me, and I feel like I am maybe almost a burden on people who don't know me enough to know that I am light. I dreamt that all of my teeth fell out, and it hurt but it was something I could understand, and I only want to have dreams like this from now on or I do not want to have dreams at all.

The way I think about things keeps changing and it is good, growing up is good, learning that what you think is right is not necessarily so is nothing but good, and I am digesting this instead of spitting it out, which is new, this lack of denial is new, sitting in my underwear is new, and these new things are scary because I want everyone to know me always, but perhaps you can still know me and perhaps I am still likeable even if you do not know everything, or much of anything about me. I should trust people more and I should trust myself more and I should worry about what people are thinking less and I should love people more but think about how I love them a lot less and think about how they love me even more less.

Today I made cupcakes with my cousin and his little girl and she is the apple of everyone's eye and that is how it should be.

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