I really need to be finishing my homework, but I am needing to talk myself through things.
For this first time, maybe ever, I have allowed myself to fall out of touch with myself. I have always been perfectly in tune with my feelings even if that meant being aware that I had no idea what I was feeling. But I haven't even taken the time to figure it out, and I am O.K. with not knowing for now and just hoping that it doesn't all catch up and pile up when I'm not paying attention. I am tired of thinking, analyzing, of being disappointed. I'm starting to get angry, allowing myself to be angry at people for being unreliable and confusing, angry with myself for always bending to everyone's will and for people expecting me to. I am not saying I am revolting, I am still an "aim to pleaser" by nature, and am happy being just that, but I am just coming to the understanding that on occasion I need to keep things to myself, slightly less of an open book so I have things that are my own. I am trying to prove my resilience, to everyone, but mostly to myself, I keep surprising myself. New friends, new Savannah's, are we onto 3.0 now?