Saturday, October 16, 2010

Today has been a day of heart-tugs, starting with my all too short visit to MKE and remembering how much Beyonce family is like my real family and coming home to a letter from my 5th grade teacher, whom I have just gotten back in touch with after 10 years. There are too many places/people I call home, and part of me wants them all to be together and part of me knows that is not how it works, and that the only reason this makes me sad at all is because I love all of them so fiercely and miss them something fierce when I am not with them. I have never let myself be fully enamored with Madison, because I already had places elsewhere, but this year I knew I wouldn't survive with loose relationships so I threw myself fully into Madison life, and now I love it here, but also love it elsewhere. Returning to Beyonce felt almost as much like going home as going to el cafe does. It's comfortable, easy, fun, and warm. I am starting to feel like a grown-up, whatever that means. It makes me happier than happy to know that these people are permanent fixtures in my life and that time doesn't really muss things up too terribly.

My old teacher writes the nicest things, she has always managed to see the best in people, something I try to do but maybe do not do quite so consistently. She writes: "Live and love and laugh, but promise me you will also guard your heart? Not in a steely or fairy-tale-reaching-to-the-clouds-wall-around-your-heart kind of way, but a giving it to someone else way." Which tells me that we don't really change ever, because she is writing this based on what she knew of my 10 year old self, and it is still true today. She writes this because she knows my tendency to love things hard. She is really the kindest hearted person you will ever meet, and her whole letter was warm and encouraging but honest, and I am so happy to be in touch with her again.

The heart-tugs are good, because sometimes my loves gets dulled or lost in the shuffle of homework and work etc etc. I want to be everywhere at once but also always always, I am learning to love where I am more than where I am not.

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